Yesterday was a strange and somber day. Even Mother Nature was mourning, casting grey clouds over the grieving city.
Nevertheless, I had woken up a tiny bit hopeful that despite electing a candidate who instills fear and hatred in people, things could still work out because the optimistic part of me refuses to believe any human being can be so despicable. It didn’t take long for the reality of what this country got itself into to sink in, and oh my god it sank like a brick.
Scrolling through Facebook, reading what people had to say and seeking camaraderie, I casually replied to a comment a black friend of mine made:
Friend: I’m going to the gun range today.
Me: Don’t turn to violence 🙂 love trumps hate no matter what, even if his dumbass is in office!!!
Friend: Your concerns about me turning to violence, which by the way is not what I’m suggesting, brings to mind something Angela Davis said in an interview. When asked if she advocated violence she said- and I’m paraphrasing here: When I’m asked that question it just tells me that white people have no idea what black people go through on a daily basis in this country. She then went on to describe what it was like for her and her family when her friends (The Four Little Girls) died when the KKK bombed the 16th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham Alabama. She was subjected to violence everyday. Emily, I advocate for self-defnese (period).
I learned in school that discrimination is wrong. I have black friends, white friends, rich friends, Trump-supporting friends. I cry when refugees flee from their war-torn homes and then are turned away by countries who see them as not humans, but burdens. I myself am a minority in this country. Yet, when my friend was scared, I brushed it off with innocent but completely insensitive condolence. I did so because of my privilege — privilege to not have to worry for my life because of my skin color. The simple privilege of being not-black.
It embarrassed me, made me feel guilty, and I was sorry for my lack of empathy. But heavier than my guilt was the tremendous shame I felt once I realized my insensitivity was a result of letting this country’s long history of hatred and fear of difference seep into my bones.
By not rejecting injustice so engrained in our society on a daily basis, by following the status quo like sheep, I had let the master narrative of white men who have historically dictated the ebb and flow of this country to get into my brain. And that’s why I could so casually console my friend with words that she cannot relate to.
I had shamefully abused my privilege by not recognizing it in that moment, and it terrifies me that similar abuses of power will transpire throughout the country these next four years.
I spent the rest of yesterday trying to piece together my thoughts and feelings, scouring Facebook and news articles for words and clarity from others who might be in the same dumbfounded boat. (It has taken me two days to write this post, and still my thoughts are incomplete.)
What I learned is that there is deep resentment and fear in this country, on all sides. It had been flowing through the veins of our society for a long time but was masked by what is taught as right and wrong, by political correctness, by the bubbles we protect ourselves in. I realized that the progress towards social justice achieved thus far has ironically excluded a large number of people, probably even people close to us who hide themselves in the silent majority. People have become afraid to voice their opinions, to ask questions lest they sound racist, backwards, stupid, thus the anonymous way to have their voices heard was to vote. And vote they did.
Even though I was mortified by my thoughtlessness (a great understatement), I am grateful my friend replied the way she did in that Facebook message because it challenges me to question my own judgment, to reevaluate what I’ve been taught, and to be honest with myself. And most importantly, her reply encourages me to voice my own fears, thoughts, and questions without worrying that I’ll be hated or judged, because it’s the only way for me to grow. I hope others will ask me questions, share their fears and thoughts with me, and whether or not we agree with each others’ opinions, we can at least try to understand each others’ experiences and perspectives. Besides, there’s no room to grow inside a bubble.
After that Facebook exchange, for the first time ever, I went for a run with the purpose of clearing my head. On the street I avoided eye-contact, afraid somebody might say something mean. I was born in this country and have consistently felt different as an Asian, but I’ve never felt unwelcome. Thankfully my spirits were lifted with today’s sunrise, and I am smiling and making eye-contact again. Moving forward, I think I’m ready to confront the unfamiliar and uncomfortable realities that this new presidency has already started to present. I’ll do so with an open mind and open heart, and will listen to what all people have to say. Meanwhile, I’ll be reflecting long and hard.
Emily, thank you for your brave and genuine confession. You are an amazing human being, and I’m proud to have you as my cousin/sister. Sometimes it is not our choice to be ignorant because we don’t get to decide our identity and fate, God do so. We should never be fearful but hopeful, for we have a life that we only get to live once and a world that is worth us loving and appreciating with an open mind and a whole heart in spite of the risks of harm and disappointment.
I firmly believe that this country will recover and become stronger than ever because the majority of its sons and daughters are true, just, and caring human beings. We must have faith in ourselves as there is nothing we can’t do if we are whole-hearted and united together. We shall not give up and drown in the crucible that we created and put ourselves in. Instead, we should accept the challenge, learn from the lesson and find the real answer to these vague and uncertain open response questions:
Who are we?
Where are we?
What brought us here?
Where will we go from now on?
How are we going to get there?
No matter how the world changes, we must never forget what the Little Prince has taught us: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eyes. ”
Let us move on together. Let us learn together. Let us listen to each other. Let us empathize each other. Let us resolve the problem together by spreading love, courage, and understanding among each other.
It is not destiny’s fault to blame. It is the choices we make. It is the steps we take. It is the perspectives we observe from.
The answers to the questions are simple!