Day 2 at ThaBarWa: Doubts

(I really need to up my post-title-game…)

February 11, 2016 | Day 2 (copied from my journal)

I’m not sure how I feel at the moment, but I was surprised by how little I felt when I saw the [dead] body and the living quarters. In this moment, I don’t think I can go on very long…I’m not quite comfortable. Selfish? As I learned from my own lessons of volunteer work and NGOs…there is more need than just helping hands and good intentions. While ThaBarWa seems to be doing well with receiving donations (they’ve built a new elderly care center, I think sponsored by Chinese donors) and a new hospital is going up, is it sustainable to depend on others’ generosity?

I guess as long as people remain strong spirited Buddhists, people will keep on giving, but what happens when the country develops and the younger generations become less religious? Also, it’s weird to see all the old and disabled and different medical cases grouped together in such a way that isolates them from general society. But maybe general society isolated them in the first place, so they had nowhere to turn but here.

~~Later that day~~

Well we had a group meeting with the foreign nuns (from Italy and United States)…ThaBarWa is run with “abandoning power” which means everything is done without expectations of any type of result. They abandon the attachment to any particular result. They just do what they believe is right. This was misunderstanding or cultural disconnect, or societal difference between me and the center.

I wanted to know what the intentions were for recruiting/welcoming foreign volunteers. And what the long-term plan is for the center. But I guess the only mission here is to welcome ALL, to guide them in meditation, and to provide services (healthcare, education, etc.) that keep them healthy enough to practice meditation.

~~Later again~~

I am sitting on my bed at the end of the dorm with windows open to let in the breeze from outside. There’s a view of trees and bamboo ahead, and to my right a dormitory for monks.

~~Even later-er~~

Yesterday, I volunteered to push an elderly woman in her wheelchair, I suppose to get some fresh air. I wish I spoke Burmese so we could communicate. When we returned, the Indonesian volunteer and I spoke with her husband who is half-paralyzed and wasn’t clear in his speech. He spoke English and named different places and presidents he knew in America. he liked JFK but not Obama. I wonder why?! He was hard to understand. The elderly couple gave us grapes, and I feel slightly ashamed to have thrown them away but I was afraid to get sick. Also, being in their living quarters too long also made me feel slightly nauseous because of the smell. A combination of spices, sewage and urine. And, to keep it cool, there’s no light!

In the evening, I helped the kitchen prepare a massive breakfast of moving by peeling and chopping garlic and onions, and bagging up handfuls of rice noodles… with the monks! At the time, these things didn’t feel so weird and out of place, but I know looking back on this experience I’ll feel surprised and in disbelief that I did this.

One change I just noticed is that I’ve been so distracted by my new surroundings that I haven’t thought much about [my ex-boyfriend] except at night. Man…one day certainly feels like a week. I admit missing the comforts and privilege of a home.

It’s true that one can get used to anything, but what if one doesn’t want to? For now, I consider this a welcomed challenge, something to prove to myself. But…isn’t the point of this entire place NOT to expect anything? Oy…the questions keep on coming…