February 12, 2016 | Day 3
(I guess there was a third journal entry after all…)
I don’t feel involved and I don’t want to be involved (and I’m feeling guilty for this). The man in the office said one of the best ways to help here is to learn and practice meditation. That’s what I’ve been reading about, too. But I don’t buy/understand Salaya Khemi’s reasoning that without doing good deeds you’re automatically doing bad deeds, and meditation is the only in-between.
Now I’m understanding there are different methods of meditation and although there seems to be only one purpose according to ThaBarWa, I’ve come to learn that actually there are several or many many reasons and purposes for which people meditate. I don’t believe there is any right or wrong way, and it’s always disconcerting to me when I hear religious sects determine right and wrong.
Especially here, where detachment is the sole purpose and mission, there should be no right or wrong, and explaining that “You think this way” or “ask these questions” (because you are attached) is not helpful or persuasive. More helpful would be to understand why there is a need or reason to be detached. It’s for seeking the Truth (and what Truth is, which by the way has many definitions)…but why?!
Why should I seek the Truth? I guess these are the complexities and perplexes of any organized religion. There are also so many contradictions that all of it is hard to swallow and accept.
I am learning. And I am experiencing life outside my comfort zone. Therefore I must be growing. But I still feel helpless here. There’s not much to do to make a lasting impact, big or small.
So the kids have a space to “learn” and have fun rather than run around in the street, but what are they learning? Truly? These are the same questions that came up with GGJJ [the NGO I co-founded in Beijing]. And why I left. I thought perhaps I’ve lost my desire/eagerness/naïveté to “help” people. I don’t have an answer yet, but I am proud that I can at least accept how I feel.
Salaya Vinasa said there is no pain. We must forget the concept as it’s just a state of mind. but I hit my bone and it hurt. Just like when the monk fell in the kitchen, he hurt his head. There is pain and suffering. It’s real. There’s emotional heartache and pain, and emotions of joy and relief and desperation and hope. These are feelings and attachments.
The Center hopes for stable staff and volunteers. If one never comes, then the problem of leaking sewage water and overcrowded classrooms will just have to remain? Make-do? “Better than nothing” is not a good excuse. They have the resources and willing people but without organization how can anything get done? Anyway, they have accomplished so much already. It just takes time.
Should I go see a fortune teller?
My heart is not here. It has flown back to Boston already, and another part is in Turkey. If I see the fortune teller it is to help me decide if my dream is purely fantasy…
