My (Transformed) Arbitrary Idea of Happiness

I’m sitting at my brand new kitchen table with a pretty view of my recently acquired backyard and tall trees beyond it. I have my coffee, my chocolate chip cookies, and the calming scent of dried eucalyptus (all from Trader Joe’s!). I’m in Cambridge. Like, Massachusetts. Like, I never left for that grand journey I had been dreaming about and started this blog for. Feeling a little like a hypocrite, a loser, and a bull-shitter, at least I think I am a tiny bit wiser.

You might remember how just a few months ago I was so adamant and romantic about taking the year off to travel the world. Don’t get me wrong, I still dream about this adventure. Daily. But something or several things held me back from getting on my flight to Beijing in February, where I would have departed for the Trans-Siberian journey across Russia to Eastern Europe just in time for spring.

Ironically, what stopped me from my travels was this arbitrary idea of happiness. It was what I wanted then and there. It was the thought of finally having a place to myself (my mom bought a house for me to live in…yes, gratitude is something I’m working on, too). The joy of jogging under blue skies and feeling healthy. The fun of bar-hopping with friends and spending the summer on my back porch sipping cocktails and eating fancy home-cooked meals.

And it was the weather. Yup, the fresh, clean air and sunshine made me dread returning to smoggy Beijing and then onto bitterly cold Siberia. (OH NEW ENGLAND WEATHER! How dare you betray me with these two weeks of springtime rain showers?!?! Update: 20 minutes later, the sun is out and birds are chirping in choir. Hallelujah!)

The month of what I thought was happiness came and went, and then I started feeling trapped. “How can you be so privileged and feel trapped?!” you ask? Easy. I was not grateful for what I had. For weeks I lamented to my dear friend Double D, who patiently listened to my annoying self-pitying. “I didn’t ask for this house! I don’t want to find a full-time job that sucks all my energy and distracts me from my true passion of travel (RIGHT?!)!” Then one day, Double D suggested that maybe if I tried to appreciate what I have I would be happier. I could try giving thanks to the opportunities and resources that I didn’t even have to work for. It was exactly what I needed to hear to slap some sense into me.

My solution? I set up a gratefulness jar. Every night before bed, I write on a slip of paper something I am grateful for and let it fall into the jar. Already I am feeling more uplifted, more positive, and less annoying. It’s helping me look forward to the exciting events coming up this summer, rather than feeling regret and bitterness for not being in Russia. Finding gratitude is also helping me appreciate being in the present moment (which is currently me writing this blog post, something I have put off for months due to fear of being shamed as a travel-fraud and am so happy to finally get off my chest).

As I look back on just a few weeks ago, when I thought happiness meant following that feeling of I want this or I need to be (t)here, I see how wrong I was. Happiness is not something to be chased after and caught and bottled up forever. It’s a state of mind, something within me and you (like the Divine!!!! I won’t get into my new fascination with Rumi just yet), and it’s up to us to uncover it and let it radiate through our beings. I also realize now that we can’t always be happy! We wouldn’t even be able to recognize happiness without knowing its opposite!

It sounds very abstract, but really it’s very simple. It’s about acceptance. Accepting everything. When you are able to do that, you are able to live in the moment and appreciate all that surrounds you in that moment. Don’t get me wrong when I say simple, though. It’s a simple idea that we all know, but sweep aside and roll our eyes at, or think is too difficult or impossible in our personal circumstances. In my own process of finding that inner happiness, I’m learning to let go of judgments–both outward and inward–and accepting who I am, where I am, how I am through the act of appreciation. I now understand that happiness, acceptance, and gratefulness are intertwined. Without one, we cannot fully experience the others. That said, wish me luck on this new type of journey, and I wish you the same 🙂

Off for a walk to appreciate the budding trees and birdsongs along the Minuteman Bikeway!